- *Me posting my status update*
- Someone's comment: You do realize that we don't care? Why do you need to post shit like that?
- Me: You do realize that I don't care if you do. You want to know why? Because I can, that's why! If you don't like then don't read. I have the right to speak freely you fucker!
Today was a day filled with firsts. My first time to go down South. My first time having tea and cakes on a pseudo-tea set. My first time eating chicken feet, which was not as bad as I have previously thought. I learned much from this one day, spending time with my friends in an unfamiliar locale.
I had so much fun though, despite the anxiety of being somewhere I don’t even know. They showed me a lot and can i just say that when I get to live on my own I am moving down there. So much hot people that I can’t stand it! Anyways I loved every second, hanging out with the people I love there, even if the commute from here to there was really draining. From the intellectual discussions in the car to the story telling while eating barbecue, it was a blast. I also had a great deal of fun sorting out my friend’s closet; I got a cool cap out of it so yes it was worth it! Makes me wish though that school would start soon so I could hang out with my friends some more. I miss drinking at Taft, chilling at someone’s condo, and having small chit chats with the gang. Fortunately, I only have to put out a little while longer; one of the perks of having a trimesteral system is that you have short breaks. For me it is anyways.
The only down side was the ride home. After smoking an almost full pack of Marbolo Reds, eating street food, and drinking coke all night, I ended up having the worst case of motion sickness. It was so bad that I felt clammy, cold, and nauseous; I even had an awful case of tremors that my feet were visibly shaking. Have you ever had the strong feeling of wanting to puke but couldn’t cause you were in a freakin’ jeep?! It wasn’t fun! Thank God that after a while it died down; I just stuck my head out of the window and let the cool air wash over me. Besides that though, everything was fine and dandy.
All in all it was a good day. It made me realize how much I love the people in my life, how much I appreciate their uniqueness, their personalities, their thoughts and opinions. They make me feel so loved and because of that, I love them even more. They make the hurt go away and give me so much happiness. I couldn’t have asked for better friends. Though the pain hasn’t completely flown away, they make it bearable each and every day.
Hopefully, my adventures won’t stop here! I intend to visit South more. I’ve already planned future tea parties at my friend’s house, complete with a legit tea set, pastries and quality tea. We’ll sit around all day and discuss literature to our hearts content. This makes me heady with excitement that I might faint. But I shouldn’t put the cart before the horse. Now, I will savor the fact that I have friends like this, friends that I can share my life with. Yes I am lucky, and I am loving every single minute of it.
The stalls in the cold shopping district were all closed for the night, save for a little cafe tucked away in a small corner. It’s lights casting off an eerie glow on the narrow cobbled stone path as a lone figure is seen running through the streets. His light foot steps making a slight ticking sound when his feet meet with the pavement.
I wonder what I’ll get this year…
The tiny flakes were drifting crazily in the air as the small silhouette zips through the chilly December night. Faster and faster he goes, becoming an incomprehensible blur,a shade in the city-scape. Only the red scarf wrapped around his neck gives color to his otherwise dim form.
I’m so excited! Can’t wait to get there…
His steps picking up tempo as he pushes himself further. His feet, nearly touching the ground as he runs with all his might. His form unrecognizable amongst the shadows as he jets through the streets like a frenzied Nightingale in flight, running from some unseen threat.
I hope everyone’s there this time…
Nearly there, he makes a sharp turn around a bend, not once losing his speed. He is flying, his shape detached from the ground as he rushes incessantly through the streets. His red scarf is reduced to nothing but a streak of scarlet in the night sky.
Almost there! I can almost smell the Christmas turkey…
A small brick cottage lay at the corner of the road. A thin trail of smoke was coming out of its worn chimney and a faint glow was radiating from its cracked window. The phantom started to slow his pace as he neared the front door. His feet loosing its rhythm as he made a full stop just outside the cottage.
I‘m here! Mom! Dad! Everyone, I’m here…
The figure shouted and shouted, but no one came. He started pounding on the door with all his strength but still no one opened it for him. His red scarf was flapping wildly in the breeze as he stood there waiting. Frustrated, he went to the window to see why all his cries were left unanswered.
They must still be preparing the Christmas dinner…
As he peered inside, he could see that everyone was already seated. All the chairs were full save for a small seat near the head of the table. In front of this vacant seat lay a full spread of food, as well as a few presents strewn here and there. A large man sitting at the head then started to rise from where we sat. His face was so solemn and so sad as he started to say a few words. After the small speech, he went over to the fireplace and took a picture of a boy with a red scarf, lying on the mantel and surrounded by lit candles. He then places it on the vacant sit with tears starting to stream down from his eyes.
Everyone then started to dig into their Christmas feast with as much enthusiasm as they could muster. They did not notice the playful dancing of the snow flakes right outside their window nor the red scarf being carried away by the breeze. As the night went on, the snow continued to fall on that hallowed home, turning the already cold night even colder…
Slowly, she rose from where she sat for almost an hour and a half. The feeling of rejection and heart ache spreading through her body like the blood in her veins. She felt so perky, so happy a moment ago. Well… That was until she saw what she was seeing now, and it only broke her heart more just by staying there. But she couldn’t move; her feet, it seemed, had melded with the pavement. As the couple a few meters a head started to make their way to her, she started to make sense of what has happening right before her eyes.
It wasn’t long ago that the guy of her dreams told her how much she meant to him and how much he wanted to be more than just friends. At the time she thought that it could never work; he was too wonderful and she was just too undeserving. So she broke his heart, to save him the disappointment and to save her the heart break. It seemed like a good idea, but it tore her inside.
She couldn’t! How could she?! He was so much a good a friend that she felt unworthy of his time, of his attention, of his love. Then how could she take him as her boyfriend?! In the end, he’ll just give up on her then all the years of friendship would have been gone. She couldn’t lose that, she couldn’t lose him. So, like a coward backing down from a fight, she told him all the reasons why they couldn’t be together. She called him names and, for the most part, lied about how much he was unfit to be her boyfriend. It destroyed her, lying like that to him, at the same time she could barely stand it when he was slowly crumbling inside right before her. It took all her strength to say those words; every blow to his name was a slash to her heart. It was slow torture but, as predicted, it was effective. Too effective in fact. A couple of weeks after, she found out that he was being reassigned to a new branch, somewhere down south. She thought it was for the better, being separated, but that didn’t stop the two months of pure agony, where she cried over him every waking second of her life. Every word she said coming back to her, haunting her, mocking her for the fool she was. Why didn’t she have more courage to face the unknown with him?! Why didn’t she have the guts to take what was hers?! Why didn’t she listen to her heart instead of her insecurities?!
Now, he was walking towards her, with this goofy look on his face, while this blue eyed baby doll was draped over his arm. Just hours ago did she receive the most hopeful news she has had in the past weeks. He surprised her with a phone call telling her to meet her at the park. He sounded so excited over the phone that she felt hopeful that all was not lost. After their brief conversation, she decided to finally tell him all the words she held back on the night they last met.
But now! Now it was just pure agony to see him like this, to see him with… her. She wasn’t that dense to not know why he looked like some silly idiot. How many times did he look like that when they were together? Little did she know that those intense looks and burning stares had more to them than what she initially thought. They were almost directly in front of her! She couldn’t breath, she was drowning. She started to take deep breaths but it wasn’t working. She tried her hardest to hold back the tears. She couldn’t let him see how much she was ruined inside.
“Karen, it’s good to see you again!” he said, his voice melting her bones. She could only muster a shaky smile and a weak “hi” while trying to maintain her composure. “I’d like you to meet Jean. Jean this is Karen, my best friend since college.” ”Pleasure to meet you.” said the blonde bombshell who looked like she modeled for Vogue. “Hello…” She was losing her voice; she couldn’t find it. She was drowning from the tears that she was keeping back inside.
“Ehem.. So what are you doing here?” She asked, her voice still a little shaky. “Oh! Umm… I just got relocated back to the main branch! Isn’t that neat?” He said with so much enthusiasm that she couldn’t help but smile. “Also, this is where we are planning our wedding.” “Wedding?!” “Yes, we’re getting married.” said the blue eyed mannequin.
She was swimming. She was drowning. She couldn’t take it anymore; she had to get out. But she couldn’t, she has to stay there and look like a complete moron nodding while the only thing she wanted to do was to crawl into some hole in the ground and die. She desperately needed an escape; she couldn’t handle what she was hearing. Married?! What is this?! Some kind of sick joke?! You’re freakin’ too young to get married! she thought to herself.
“The wedding is four weeks from now, and we wanted to get married here.” “So soon…” She said, barely a whisper now. “We’ve been planning this for months now actually; we’ve just decided to have our venue here. Plus with the relocation and all…” But she couldn’t hear him anymore. Her head was floating. She couldn’t feel anything. She was growing sicker by the second, and it was the only thing she could do not to throw up. God! Why now? Why him?! Why me?! She could barely hear him asking if she was okay before her whole world turned black.
Oh, bitter resentment, how I have come to know you after the time we have spent together. You are no stranger to me; I know you as much as I know myself. You and I are more or less equals, walking the path of life side by side. You are the shadow that I always see beside me; a specter of harsh memories constantly haunting me wherever I may go. You remind of all the heart aches that I have been trying so hard to bury within me, leaving a nasty after taste in my mouth every time. You make a mockery of my life, making me look at all the wasted opportunities and possibilities waiting out there for me. You make me feel like my whole existence has been some sort of cruel joke. I wish now that I never knew you, that I never should have let your cold spirit rest within my turbulent mind. You make me wish to end it, to bring an end to my miserable existence once and for all. You make me wonder how much my life would have been different if I was just normal, if I was just like every complacent sheep out there who never really do live their lives but just wade through their reality like some ship-wrecked fool, floating along the sea of life; no direction, no clue, only drifting idly by till they reach sweet oblivion. For that, I will never forgive you.
Yet, on the other hand, I can’t help but feel grateful as well. You brought comfort when the warmth of others brought none. You made me numb inside for some time, helping me push through with my life when the unbearable hurt would have otherwise crippled me. You some how gave clarity when I was lost in my own madness. You were both a bitter friend and a refreshing companion, and I couldn’t have imagined it any other way. Still, you must not have been content with my new found dependence in you so you had to disturb the little peace I had left. Now, you pick at the cuts and sores, causing me to bleed with so much pain, so much agony, that I could at times barely breath. But you also gave me so much to think about, that, in itself has given me a huge enough distraction for me to ignore the hurt. In a way, it has made me into a better person; a bitter yet better person. I have a fresher perspective of life, a new persona if you will. Though this new me is a little bit more colder and cynical than before, at least I will get by. No longer is there any light in me; you put that out long before. I’ll just have to exist with the warmth of others in the mean time, till I find my own happiness again. For now, I am not living for myself, I am living for others so that I may live. It’s a convoluted logic, but hey, it makes sense to me and that is all that counts.
There’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you; it has been bothering me for a while now. It’s been keeping me up sometimes at night, thinking and planning how this will all go down. But sadly, I can never tell you what it is; I can never tell you how I feel about you. I am afraid of what might happen next if I do. I am afraid that you might be disgusted with me and end up not being my friend anymore. God! How I would hate that, not being your friend anymore; it is the last thing that’s keeping me whole inside. At the same time, these feelings that I’ve been trying to bottle inside are gnawing at me, eating away at my very core. Maybe that’s why I am becoming the kind of cynical bastard I am today; empty, alone and growing bitter by the second. Yet you are the remaining light of my world, the only thing that is keeping me sane. On the other hand, you are also the one maintaining the mayhem inside of me, fueling the madness that I have been acquainted with for so long.
Why?! Why couldn’t I just turn away from these feelings for you? It would have been so much easier. Why?! Why did you have to be the person that you are? The kind of person I couldn’t help fall for. Why?! Why did I fall? It was just so simple, like falling on a soft pile leaves; so secure, so safe, so easy. I will never regret falling for you, though, nor admit that these feelings for you are inappropriate in any way; you’re too much of a wonderful person for me not to fall for. The only thing I did wrong was like you too much. I should have stopped when you were my friend, but, unfortunately, my heart continued to grow with your goodness. I couldn’t help it. Before long, I was drinking your every word like it was the sweet nectar of the heavens. I would take a glimpse into your unfathomable eyes and get lost for an eternity. I would look into your smile and be dazzled by its brilliance. I was hooked and I had no escape.
The sad part of this cruel one-sided romance is that I never had a chance. I should have known better not to fall for you, but I did anyways. It went against every fiber of my being to feel this way about you, making me loathe and be a shamed of myself even more. But I still love you, even if it is hopeless and wrong for me to. Even if I am afraid that maybe someday these feelings will make me lose everything I hold dear to me. Even if I am filled with agony every passing second that you are not mine, that you are for and always will be another’s. Still, I love you enough to hope for your happiness; I couldn’t be more ecstatic to see you together with the one you love. You’ve worked so hard and so long to be with her, that you deserve all the happiness you will get together. You just look so perfect, so right with each other, and that in itself is all that I need to get by. Just to see you smile, just to hear you laugh, just to look at you with that goofy look on your face, and knowing that you have the same effect on her, makes my day. Even if the bitter resentment and jealousy tears at my very sanity each and every time, I couldn’t be gladder. Who knows, maybe in the future I will find my own happiness, but for now, I am content with yours. I know we will never be, but I will continue to love you, none the less. I owe you everything for teaching me so much, about myself, about love and about life. I’ll always be here for you, for you both, and I will always watch out for you, no matter what.
Why?! Why is it like this? I love you! Honestly I do, but sometimes you cut through me like a knife on butter. You act like you care but at other times you act like I don’t exist so I am really confused right now. I don’t know whether you consider me as a friend or as someone you just need to be pleasant to. I hate it when people do that, act nice to you cause they don’t want to hurt your feelings; it’s so misleading, so painful when you find out the truth. I try to be understanding, I try to be a good friend, but at the end of the day, I die more and more. It sucks when I have to act all perky and happy in front of you, least I want to be called a drama queen. I am not that guy! I am not the kind of person who takes everything as a freakin’ joke! Unfortunately, I have to, otherwise I couldn’t handle my daily existence, and because I act like this I think that no one takes me seriously anymore, especially you. I hate it, I seriously hate it; I have accumulated so much self-loathing and resentment because of it. The funny thing is though, I constantly torture myself by hanging out with you because you give me enough of a distraction for me to overlook my insignificant reality. For that, I don’t know whether to love you or to hate you. Now I don’t know what to do. I don’t know whether to keep doing what I’ve been doing for so long or to completely disappear. As the days go by, I lose a little of myself and maybe, in time, I will disappear after losing everything that is myself. When that does happen, I hope you have a fun fucking life.
As the seconds trickle into minutes and minutes into hours, my mind wanders of to things better left untouched. Things that make my heart ache with loneliness; with bitter resentment and envy. Yet things that also make my heart sing with joy; with giddiness and laughter. But when faced with the sad reality of it, I am only left to inspect the shattered fragments of my life from a perspective tainted with anguish and despair. No longer does the bright-eyed innocent child, that once was I, shine with the vigor and luster that was the core of my being. Now, only my shell remains; remnants of a lost dream, broken by the harsh world in which I exist. As I move on through the years, my happiness, my bluster, and my hope is slowly stripped away from me by the travesty which is my life. Soon, I will no longer be even human; I will only be but an entity devoid of its emotions, ambitions and hope; wandering through this world just for the sake of existence and doing the bidding of others, like a machine: cold and unfeeling. I will no longer even feel the pain that is the reassurance of my reality, causing me to go mad with questions on my existence. I will just be a specter, wading through this world while waiting for the next; uncertain if I am but an intangible reality or a lucid dream.
Finally, I am back! These past few months have been a hell of a ride. After stressing over academic and personal matters, I have finally found the time to write for leisure again. Honestly, I’ve grown so much through my experiences this term and feel that I have become a better and wiser person. I was able to meet new people and expand my network. Hopefully, next term will be better than this one, filled with more surprises, more challenges and more opportunities to write. I guess what I am trying to say is that, I’m back in business baby!
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